Written Truths
by Travelling Giraffe
Summary: Three months after Alex walked away from Bernie, life still didn't make any sense. Until a letter arrived...


She couldn't get her out of her mind. Everything she did made her think of her. She wanted so much to be back in Kabul where things were simpler, where things made sense, and they were happy. Alex had always known she was married, but neither of them had considered what would or needed to happen when she went home. Neither of them were planning on going home any time soon, after all as they were offered extension's to their contracts. And then they hit the IED and the world as they knew it changed completely. She was faced with having to rescue her best friend and soul mate from the wreck of a car, and then wait in Kabul to hear if she was okay after she was repatriated home. But she never expected the phone call she got, the heart breaking voice at the other end of the line trying desperately hard to hold back the tears while telling her she wasn't coming back. That she was giving up the Army to save her marriage.

Alex suddenly felt a wet streak making its way down her left cheek. Thinking about it had released the tears...again. She said she loved me, she said she wanted to be with me. How can someone who says they love you completely break your heart like that? Alex desperately wanted to understand. Nothing back in civilian life made any sense without her. But on seeing her in Holby, kissing her in the locker room the feelings came flooding back until she ran again. And then Alex began to understand. She was scared. She could see the fear in her eyes. She was clearly scared of what people would think of her, her reputation either here or in Army circles. So Alex had propositioned her. She had to decide what she wanted and be all in to whatever it was. As much as Alex loved her, she needed to feel she had the whole of her in return.

"When you've sorted your life out come and find me." And she walked away. Literally the hardest thing she had ever done. Knowing that she was completely heartbroken and not knowing whether Bernie Wolfe would pick her, whether she would ever come and find her.

Alex felt like she was still walking around in a daze 6 months after the IED. Life didn't make any more sense than it had 3 months ago when she last saw Bernie. She was working as an anaesthetist in her local hospital but wasn't really enthralled by the job. But it was better than being at home and she didn't want to go back into the army. She came home like she did every evening to her small empty flat with a ready meal for 1. But this evening was different. As she opened the door there was post on the door mat, not unusual, but picking it up and sifting through it she found a small envelope with a hand written address on the front. Alex felt like she had been thumped in the chest, like the world around her had completely stopped. She recognised the hand writing on the envelope instantly. _Bernie_ she whispered.

She put the post on the small table in her hallway with her keys and took her coat off. She then only picked up Bernie's letter, everything else forgotten and went into her tiny living room. She switched on a light and curled up on the sofa. Her thumb glided over the writing as if she was going to feel closer to her somehow. Alex was just about to open the envelope when she stopped. Was she ready for this, after all it might not say what she is hoping for. It might be Bernie telling her she is staying with Marcus. That she isn't coming back. Alex took a deep breath. She was going to have to know eventually so she slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the pages.

Her first surprise was that it was hand written. She wasn't sure why she had the idea but she brought the letter up to her face and inhaled. To her surprise it smelled of her. Exactly what Alex remember, what she missed.

 _Dear Alex,_

 _I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me and I wasn't sure I could tell you all the right things if I saw you in person so writing to you seemed like a good option._

 _I know I can apologise as much as I like and you are well within your rights not to believe me but I am truly sorry Alex. I didn't mean to hurt you but being a coward means despite best intentions someone always gets hurt._

 _So here's the truth. I took the job at Holby for Marcus, for my kids, to try and save my marriage. Because I was scared and thought that I should make things work with Marcus. That I'd made a commitment to him all those years ago and that I couldn't just walk away from it. But I couldn't have been more wrong. There was no marriage left and I think I already knew that when I came home. I was just too scared to admit it when he turned up when I was recovering. I am not in love with him anymore. I haven't been for a long time. But by then I had already broken your heart._

 _When you came to Holby that day I was afraid. Not of you, of how I was feeling, at how easily the feelings I have for you came back as strong as they'd always been. It alarmed me of how much I wanted to get you in an empty room and kiss you senseless. But I was also scared of people's judgements of finding out I was cheating on my husband, with a woman, and of what the army might say. I was frightened for any future career I might have. Pathetic huh? Dr Copeland saw us kissing in the locker room that day and I freaked. Hurting you again._

 _But afterwards he found me I sat outside and I told him the truth. I admitted we were lovers, that you're all I'd thought about since the minute I got home and that life with you would be wonderful if I was brave enough. I suddenly realised if I was going to get the wonderful life that filled my head every second I needed to be brave. That's why I tried stopping you leaving, but you were right. I needed to get myself sorted._

 _After you left that night I went home and ended it with Marcus. He has since found out about me and you and it has all got a bit nasty. But it's over. I'm not scared any more. I accept who I am and I want to be with you. Whatever anyone else might think. I am in love with you. I never lied about that. I have loved you for a long time, well before I told you in Kabul._

Alex's mind instantly went to the night in Kabul where Bernie had declared she loved her. Alex had known how she felt about Bernie for a long time. After she'd known her a few weeks in fact. But Bernie reciprocating was the most amazing feel ever. The thought of it made Alex smile.

 _You're all I've thought about since the moment I got home. I miss you, and I want to spend my life with you. Anyone who makes you feel like that has to be worth fighting for. So I'm fighting for you Alex. If you'll have me? If that's still what you want?_

 _And if you don't, at least you know the truth._

 _All my love,_

 _Bernie_ x

Alex sat with the letter in her hands, which were trembling very slightly. Maybe out of relief or love or so many other emotions right now. Alex had known Bernie long enough to know she doesn't speak about feelings easily, so to have written everything down in a letter like this would have been hard for her to do. It also confirmed exactly what Alex felt about her. How completely besotted she was with her. How amazing, clever, kind and beautiful she was. Of course Alex wanted what Bernie had described, she had always wanted Bernie. But then it dawned on Alex, how an earth does she get in touch with Bernie? Bernie had clearly found out where she lives, probably from an old army colleague bit Alex had no idea where Bernie was living now.

* * *

Bernie had had a rubbish day at work. She had lost 2 patients to their illnesses and injuries, had a run in with an anaesthetist and was now sat in her office with a mountain of paperwork to do. It was 2 weeks since she had posted the letter to Alex and she was beginning to think it was too late. That she didn't want the same things, that she hadn't forgiven her. She sighed as Alex creeped back into her thoughts. Time to go home she decided. She switched off her computer, put on her coat, switched the light off in the office and made her way to the main entrance where her car was parked.

As she walked out of the main entrance she saw a figure loitering in the shadows near her car. As she got closer the figure became illuminated by the lights and their features came into view, Bernie realised she recognised them. She had to look twice as she thought maybe she was imagining it in order to make her day better. Alex, she whispered as she sped up to approach her.

"What are you doing here?" Bernie asked reaching the younger woman and trying hard to suppress a grin.

"Wasn't sure where else I was meant to find you? You didn't write any contact details on your letter," Alex pointed out.

"Ah, maybe those would have been useful?" Bernie conceded. "So you read the letter?"

Alex reached into her coat pocket and pulled out a crumpled envelope with Bernie's hand writing on the front. It was clear from the ruffled appearance of the envelop that Alex had read the letter more than once and maybe had even been carrying it round with her.

"Did you mean it?" Alex asked in a serious voice.

"Every word," Bernie replied in an equally serious tone.

Alex reached up and stroked Bernie's cheek. She leaned in to close the gap but just before her lips touch Bernie's, Bernie's stopped her and said, "Not here."

"Bern," Alex said in a disappointed tone, thinking her belief in the other woman had been unfounded.

Bernie's reached up and placed her index finger of Alex's lips before she could say anything else. She then leaned over so her lips were next to Alex's left ear.

"I will quite happily kiss you right here in front of everyone. But I'm worried I won't be able to stop. So I think it's safer if we go somewhere else," Bernie explained.

"Let's get out of here then," Alex said with a smile.


End file.
